Subject : Self-Introduction
Dear Professor Blackstone,
My name is Jocelyn Goh, and I am writing to
introduce myself to you as a student in your effective communication class. I
graduated from Temasek Polytechnic with a Diploma in Business Process and
System Engineering. Currently, I am pursuing my degree in Sustainable Infrastructure
Engineering (Building Services) in Singapore Institute of Technology. During my
internship, I was attached to communication department where I got to interact
with seniors from this course and know more about the industry. This inspired me to further my study in this area.
My strength is having a strong interpersonal
skill which has benefited me to be able to work with people from diversified
culture. During the internship, I have been exposed to opportunities to meet
people with different backgrounds from operators, engineers to management and
there is no issue for me to communicate with them.
My weakness is I am always lack confidence in the
things I do, especially when it comes to public speaking. I tend to look at the
screen and increase my pace when I am nervous.
My goals in this module are to be able to build
up my confidence level and improve in my written and oral presentation skills.
I look forward to learning from you for the upcoming class.
Best Regards,
Jocelyn
Edited on : [24/9/19]
Commented on:
Jun Heng
Zhi Qi
Alicia
Edited on : [24/9/19]
Commented on:
Jun Heng
Zhi Qi
Alicia
Hi Jocelyn, your letter is well written and easy to understand. However, I believe there are areas to improve on.
ReplyDelete1) "Currently, pursuing" should be 'Currently, I am pursuing'.
2) "attached to communication department" should be 'attached to the communication department'.
3) "I get to interact with seniors that are from this course and get to know more about the industry which inspires me to further my study in this area." should be 'I got to interact with seniors that are from this course and got to know more about the industry which inspired me to further my study in this area.'
4) "diversified culture" should be 'diversified cultures'.
5) "during presentation" seems to be repeated in the last sentence of your weakness paragraph.
6) "My goals in this module is" should be 'My goals in this module are'.
Cheers.
Hi Yuan Kai, thanks for the feedback. I have made the changes accordingly.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSorry, for line 3, the "are" needs to change to 'were' too. (:
ReplyDeleteHi Jocelyn! The content is concise and well-elaborated. These are some points that can be improved on:
ReplyDelete1. " I was attached to communication department where I get to interact with seniors that are from this course and get to know more about the industry which inspires me to further my study in this area." [The sentence structure is quite lengthy, perhaps you may want to simplify the sentence into 2 sentences.]
-> ' I was attached to the communication department where I got to interact with seniors from this course and know more about the industry. This inspires me to further my study in this area.'
2. "During the internship period" could be change to 'During my internship'
3. "My goals in this module is to be able to build up my confidence level and improve in my written and oral presentation skills. " [Since you have mentioned "my goals" which is a plural therefore you should change to "are" instead. ]
Overall, I think your content is good. :)
Hi Alicia, thank for the feedback, i have made the changes accordingly.
DeleteHi Jocelyn, your letter is very concise and clear but I feel that there are some areas to improve on.
ReplyDelete1." During the internship period, I have been exposed to opportunities to meet people with different backgrounds from operators, engineers to management and there is no issue for me to communicate with them.". I find this sentence is too lengthy. Perhaps, you can make break it down into two sentences.
Maybe you can break it down this way, without changing much of your original text:
During my internship, I have been exposed to opportunities to meet people with different backgrounds from operators, engineers to management staff. There is no issue for me to communicate with them.
2."My weakness is I am always lack confidence in the things I do" you may want to consider this:My weakness is I lacks confidence in the things I do.
That's all from my side. I hope I gave you the right feedback.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Jocelyn,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear and concise letter. You attend to all the areas of the assignment, and yet ,though you give some info on what inspired you to pursue your SIE course, I feel you could have given just a bit more detail. For instance, it might have been interesting to hear exactly what the 'seniors fhat are rom this course' told you.
You've done a fairly decent job explaining your strenghts and weaknesses in communication. I'm impressed that in your intyernship you had lots of opportunities to communicate, and I hope you can see your stay at SIT as a chance to do the same.
In this assignment, you have received lots of feedback, especially in terms of langauge use. Of course, you need to weigh the suggestions against what you can find on your own from the websites provided on our module Symbaloo page.
In terms of what you have addressed for module goals, rest assured that we will address each of those. in the module going forward.
I look forward to reading more of your writing this term.
Cheers,
Brad